Q & A - WEEK OF NOVEMBER 1, 2021
Q. HOW DO YOU SET BOUNDARIES WHEN THE PERSON IS YOUR CHILD?
Q. HOW DO YOU CREATE BETTER BOUNDARIES WITH WORK? I TEND TO WORK A LOT.... I WANT TO DO EVERYTHING. I HAVE A TEAM, AND YET, I'M STILL WORKING SOMETIMES UNTIL 11 PM AT NIGHT... HELP!
* Please note that all answers are based on the limited amount of information obtained from each question and Ally's personal opinion, experience and interpretation of the question, and should not be construed as medical, mental health, legal, financial, or advice. Ally always encourages you to make your own health care decisions based upon your research and in partnership with a professional.
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A. This is a super common challenge and something that I often work on with parents. Setting boundaries with your children is just like setting boundaries with others, you have to get clear on the WHY behind your boundaries. However, it is most likely going to feel more emotional because you have a different attachment to them, and there are different expectations in the relationship. The question wasn’t about a specific boundary, so my answer is going to be more generalized. Let’s get one thing out of the way first, and that is your perception of boundaries. Take a quick and honest check in around whether or not you view them as a bad thing, a punishment, or something that will hurt your child. Or do you view them as healthy, loving, kind, and caring. If you view boundaries in a negative light, I’m going to first ask you to start to shift how you see them. Part of a parent's job is to love their children well, to teach them by example, often to make hard choices that in the moment might not feel good, but are ultimately beneficial for their children. So boundaries are actually one of the most loving things that you can enforce with your children. Because they create a safe and secure container for the child, that child know what’s in, what’s out, what’s expected of them and what happens when they step outside of that. Things like rules and routines create predictability that reduces uncertainty and anxiety. Boundaries also help children develop independence and start to take ownership of their own lives. If you haven’t been firm in setting boundaries in the past, it will most likely feel hard (and sometimes painful) when you start because you both have gotten into this familiar behavioral pattern. There can be a tremendous amount of guilt on your part, and a tremendous amount of resistance on their part. The most important part of setting boundaries is in being consistent. If you don’t follow through with the boundaries you’ve set, then the person you’re trying to set them with won’t take you seriously, and it will be that much harder to try and enforce your boundaries in the future. Here are a few steps you can take to start setting better boundaries with your children: 1) What boundaries do you feel like you need to set with your child? Write each one out at the top of a clean page. 2) Next underneath each boundary write out why you want to set these boundaries, why is this boundary healthy, loving and helpful for both you and them? I find that knowing our “why” behind the boundaries that we’re setting makes it much easier to follow through with them. 3) Then go through each boundary you’d like to enforce and I want you to think about or visualize where your child has pressed this boundary in the past and how you’ve responded. 4) Now that you have that scenario in your mind, I want you to think through or write out how you could respond in a new, better or different way now that you’ve shifted your idea of what it means to set a boundary. Mentally going through this, or having this type of mental dress rehearsal can help you sit with the feelings of discomfort that might come up for you as you practice setting these new boundaries. It can help you reduce the actual amount of discomfort or distress you may feel when you are face to face with your child. I hope that this was helpful for you and if you have a specific boundary you're having trouble enforcing that you want to discuss, feel free to email me or pop into office hours next week. |
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A. You say you want to do everything, but do you really? It sounds a bit like there is a discrepancy between what you say you want and what you actually want. And what I mean by that is that you’ve taken steps to reduce the amount of work that you have to do by hiring a team, which would seem to mean that a part of you doesn't want to do everything, but then you say you want to do everything and you end up doing everything and continuing to work more. When there’s a discrepancy like this it is usually based in a limiting belief or a underlying fear. So let's get to the root! If we were sitting together on a call, here are the questions I would ask you: 1) Are you in any way using work as a way to distract from something else? Pouring ourselves into work can often be a distraction from something else that feels more unstable or emotional. Work is reliable, consistent, we know what to expect, we’re good at it, we know how to do it and often we can get a quick hit of satisfaction once we tick tasks off our to-do list. Work isn’t going to talk back to you, give you attitude, or cause you to have to dig deep into your feelings. So explore whether or not you’re using it as a distraction in some way. 2) What belief are you holding onto around working less or what would happen if you worked less? Fill in the blank around the following statements:
See if there are any unhealthy beliefs you have about working less that come up for you. If there are, I want you to examine them. Are they true? Helpful? Is there an alternative (and healthier way) you could see this? What’s a new belief that you could lean into if the ones you have are not healthy? Ex. If the old belief is: “If I work less, things will fall apart” or “Things only run smoothly in my business because I’m always monitoring everything to make sure nothing falls apart.” New belief you could lean into might be: “I can work less and things will run smoothly.” “I can work less and trust that my team will support me.” Come up with old and new beliefs that are in your own words and that resonate with you. 3) Finally, I’d like you to think about one small boundary you could set with yourself around work over the next two weeks that would help you lean into the new belief. For example: "I won’t work past 8:00pm on weeknights because…" and then fill in your why? Why would holding this boundary be beneficial for you? If you don't set this boundary, what do you stand to lose? It can be really helpful to know WHY we are doing things vs. just making up some random boundary for ourselves because we think we're "supposed to." I hope this is helpful and I’d really love to hear how this goes for you, so feel free to follow up with an email to let me know! |
