Week of August 23, 2021

Q & A - WEEK OF AUGUST 23, 2021

Q. HOW DO I LET GO OF WHAT I'M HOLDING ONTO REGARDING AN UNHEALTHY/ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP WHERE HE NEVER FOLLOWED THROUGH ON WHAT HE PROMISED TO DO TO MAKE THE RELATIONSHIP WORK.

ONE NIGHT THINGS GOT OUT OF CONTROL AND WE HAD A BREAKING POINT MOMENT.

HE LEFT ME WITH NOTHING AND TOOK EVERYTHING I EVER OWNED THROUGH LIES AND MANIPULATION.

WHEN I JOURNALED ON IT, I FIGURED IT OUT AND REALIZED HE WANTED CONTROL WHICH WAS SOMETHING HE DIDN'T HAVE IN HIS FIRST DIVORCE. IT FEELS SO HARD FOR ME TO LET THIS GO.

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Q. HOW CAN I FORGIVE MYSELF AND MOVE ON WHEN THE PERSON I HURT IS STILL STRUGGLING?

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Q. HOW DO I FORGIVE MYSELF FOR FAILING IN MARRIAGE?

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Q. MY MOM CONTINUES TO HURT ME IN RELATIONSHIP, EVEN AFTER REPEATEDLY TELLING HER SHE'S HURT ME AND POINTING OUT HOW.

I FEEL SO DISAPPOINTED IN HER AND IN OUR RELATIONSHIP.

HOW DO I FORGIVE HER AND CONTINUE TO BE IN RELATIONSHIP WITH HER?

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* Please note that all answers are based on the limited amount of information obtained from each question and Ally's personal opinion, experience and interpretation of the question, and should not be construed as medical, mental health, legal, financial, or advice. Ally always encourages you to make your own health care decisions based upon your research and in partnership with a professional.

A. I'm so sorry that you had to go through this painful experience and these losses.

Letting go is hard.

I wish it were easier, but it’s not.

With that being said, I want you to try and be gentle and patient with yourself during this process.

What you experienced was traumatic and I’m certain that it impacted you on a deep level.

It’s great that you’ve figured out why you believe he did the things that he did, but my bigger question would be how much does this particular incident or past relationship continue to impact you and your current relationship now?

Or maybe more specifically, is holding onto this particular relationship, getting in the way of the relationship you currently have?

On a scale of 1-10 how much energy and attention is it taking from you?

Sometimes we hold onto things from the past as a way to protect ourselves from ever being hurt again in the future.

We keep it at the forefront of our minds, because we’re afraid that if we let it go, that we might forget or let things slide, and that someone might perpetuate that against us again.

If that resonates with you at all, I would encourage you to get quiet and still for a period of time and ask that part of you that’s still holding onto this incident and relationship, what it needs from you and what it needs in your current relationship in order to feel safer and more secure and to be able to let go of the hurt you’re still carrying from the past relationship.

Finally, I would say be intentional about how much time and space you are giving this story and this past relationship.

What I know is that we can’t control when something pops up into our minds.

However, what I also know is that we can control what we do with it once it’s there.

And I’ve seen over and over again that if something is popping up into our minds, it needs to be attended to otherwise it will keep popping back up.

Set aside intentional time to pay attention to what’s coming up for you by setting a timer for 30 minutes each day to journal and really feel the feelings around it.

When the timer goes off, express gratitude for that part of yourself that was willing to be vulnerable, and then that’s your cue to shift your energy and attention - watch something funny on YouTube or Hulu, go for a walk/run/hike and listen to your favorite music, do a puzzle, read a book, etc. Just do something that intentionally shifts your energy from that old story that keeps replaying.

Commit to doing this practice for a week and see if anything shifts.

I hope this was helpful and as always if you feel like you need more support moving through it, I will always always recommend that you work directly with a support person like a therapist or coach who can guide you deeper through this process.

A. It is impossible to get through life without hurting someone.

More often than not, our intention is not to hurt others and when we do, it’s because we were trying to meet our own needs in some way.

So I have a couple of questions for you:

1) Have you apologized or tried to make amends with this person and owned your mistakes?

If you have and this person is still struggling, that’s not your work to do.

That may sound harsh, but they have their own journey of healing that you have no control over and it’s not one that can be rushed.

2) Will you only forgive yourself when this person is no longer struggling? If that’s the case, what does that actually do for you?

In reality it only does a few things:

It outsources your power and your healing to someone outside of you.
It only causes more pain. You punishing yourself for what you’ve done or because you feel guilty will not change what happened.

You can have great compassion for the fact that they’re still struggling, while also releasing yourself from the prison of unforgiveness toward yourself.

Ask that part of you that’s still holding onto their struggle and their pain what it might need to let it go?

See if there are any stories you're telling yourself about what kind of person you would be if you let it go? And ask yourself if those stories are actually true.

Finally, can you remind yourself that bad behaviors do not make you a bad person?

And that often changed behavior moving forward is the best apology we can give to ourselves and others.

I hope this was helpful and I’m sending you so much love as you figure out how to take your power back and set yourself free in this situation

A. I don’t necessarily believe in "failed" marriages.

I 100% believe that there are relationships that will and do last forever.

However, I believe that we are all on different paths of learning, growth, and discovery.

On those paths we bump into other humans who we get into relationship with and those relationships help us deepen our healing work because so much comes up for us to look at when we're in relationship.

However, not all of those relationships are meant to or will last forever.

So in this instance, I'm wondering if we can shift the perspective on "failure."

A true failure would be if you didn’t learn anything or grow at all by being in that relationship.

So let me ask you some questions:

Can you name something you learned about yourself by being in that relationship?
Can you celebrate that you were able to give and receive love?
Can you tend to any wounds that may have been activated during the relationship that will help you heal?

All of our relationships shape us and teach us and this is a gift.

Even if at a head level you can accept the idea that not all relationships are meant to last forever.

At a heart level, this is still a loss.

So you have to allow yourself to grieve and move through any feelings that you need to feel around this.

Can you have compassion for yourself and your ex as you look back at the relationship and forgive from that place?

I hope that this was helpful and I’m sending you lots of love as you navigate through.

A. I’m so sorry that you are experiencing this because I believe that this type of wounding from our parents is one of the greatest pains that we have to experience because this is the person who gave us life and is supposed to love us unconditionally.

I think sometimes the thought can become: “if they can’t love me, what does that mean about me, or will anyone ever be able to fully love me?”

I believe that if they can’t or won’t love us in the way we need and desire that it actually doesn’t mean anything about us.

Our parents are human, they are bound to hurt and disappoint us.

The words mom and dad come with the expectation that they will be able to provide that love, safety, security, support and nurturing that we need and desire.

Often because of their own woundedness and humanity - it’s just not possible for them to give that to us.

It can be helpful to separate them out from who we believe a mom or dad should be and just see them as they are, humans just like us who are on their own healing journey.

There will be a grief in this process of letting go of that part of them.

But when we are able to separate it out and let go of the expectations we have of them, we can more fully realize that their inability to show up for us, is not a reflection of our worth and value.

Just because they can’t or won’t love us in the way we need, does not mean that there is not someone out there who will be able to love us in a healthy whole way.

That of course starts with you learning how to love you, in the way that you most want and need.

I’d encourage you to make a list of all the ways you want your mom to love and care for you, and then take an honest look at whether or not you are loving yourself in those ways.

Stop looking for things from her that you may never get.

It sounds like you want to continue to remain in relationship with her, so I’d encourage you to do two things:

1) Make a list of what you actually CAN get from her.

For example: she might be a terrible listener, so when you bring your deep emotions to her you end up feeling hurt and disappointed, but she may be really adventurous so she’s the first person who’s willing to do fun day trips with or experience new things with.

Set a new and different expectation for what you can get from her, so that you don’t end up perpetually disappointed.

2) Notice when and where your interactions with her trigger something in you, and set healthy boundaries that allow you to feel more peace with having her as a part of your life.

I hope that this is helpful as you continue to tend to your heart around this and redefine your relationship with your mom.

Client Love. . .